Saturday, February 1, 2014

When a Fibro flare rears its ugliness...

Well, it happened. Thursday the full force of a Fibro flare reared its ugliness. And, believe me, it has been ugly.

I believe that something is off in my back which is making my Fibro go crazy everywhere else in my body. (Hopefully I will be able to get in to see a good Chiropractor on Monday.) I am in more pain than I've been in, well, in a really long time. On the one hand, I am incredibly thankful that it has been so long since I've had a flare like this. On the other hand, it is slightly terrifying.

It is hard to explain, but I realized that having a flare like this brings up fear. This isn't a flare that I've been able to sleep off or stretch out of or simply wait for an afternoon for it to pass. No, this is a painful flare that has lasted three days so far. It also isn't one of the "lesser" flares that simply makes life a little bit more difficult. No, this is one of the flares in which I must fight to get out of bed, fight to accomplish anything, and fight to think clearly. All of that is why it is slightly terrifying. Because, what if it doesn't go away?

When a bad flare like this comes along it also brings up a lot of emotions and makes me wonder if it will leave or how long it will take to leave. I wonder what changed to bring it about and how much it will impact life if it sticks around for awhile. It makes me cry when I snap at people I love when they try to give me a hug or a pat on the shoulder because I am in so much pain. It brings up anger towards doctors who tell me they can "cure" me and give me a speech about positive thinking. It brings up the pain that is physical and the pain that is emotional that I have walked through over these past four years since I began dealing with this. And, I wonder, if I'm honest, if someday someone will be a part of my life that is willing to share life and love with me knowing that there might be days that his touch causes pain even when extended towards me in love. All those things are stirred up during times like this.

The past few days have been hard, but I am clinging to Grace and choosing to hope. Today I choose to remember how far I've come and how well I am doing compared to where I once was. Goodness! I mean, I am attending college full time, working part time, learning, living, being creative, loving, and more. So, today I take a deep breath and remember Grace. Yes, I give thanks for Grace in my life.

Here are a few things I am thankful for today:

-My math tutor and how patient he was this morning as I made so many basic mistakes in math due to not processing as well since I'm in pain.
-Making 100% on a online quiz for a class despite being in so much pain. (I'm still fighting to get good grades even with this flare!)
-My Dad kindly driving me today.
-Having tomorrow to rest more.
-My blue heating pad. (We're spending a lot of quality time together.)
-Smiles on my siblings' faces.
-God's continued faithfulness in the midst of all of this.


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