On Friday of last week a new necklace came in the mail for me. It was a silver necklace with a single heart etched and accented onto the metal. It was and is a symbolic piece for me. But, before I write more about the necklace I need to share.
I am single.
Luke and I mutually ended our relationship a little over a week ago. I sat and put a lot of thought into what I need to say. I knew I needed to write a post. I need to write this post for me, for people who know me long distance, and because I want people to be able to hear exactly what is on my heart and mind in regards to all of this without the uncertainty of my fragile emotions overwhelming my sharing. There are five things that I want to clearly express within this post.
1. I am grieving. I am hurting. This letting go and pain is like nothing I have ever felt before. It is raw and feels like an ache from within the deepest part of my heart. But, each day is a little easier and less painful than the day before. I have cried a lot. Sometimes I cry unexpectedly and over what seems like the tiniest thing, but that is all a part of grief. And, amidst it all I have peace, I have relief, and I have joy that looks different than what most people think of joy. God is good. He is faithfully guiding me. He is faithful. And, He has blessed me with the most amazing family, people I look up to, and friends to support, love, encourage, and pray for me through this.
2. I do not regret my relationship with Luke. This relationship blessed me many ways, taught me so much through the good and the painful, and was a growing experience. It was my first serious relationship and over this past year and a half I learned so much about myself, what is important to me in a life partner, and how to walk in a healthy relationship. I learned lessons that are so valuable for the future. I do not regret our relationship or the way we did many things. I am thankful for the boundaries we set and upheld. And, even though our relationship didn't produce the result of marriage, it was not a failure.
3. I do not hold hard feelings toward Luke and I do not want anyone who loves and cares about me to take up offense toward Luke because I am grieving or crying. I wish Luke the very best in life and hope that he has a wonderful future as he continues to grow and be who God made him to be.
4. The reasons and details of why we ended our relationship are personal. I will not be sharing them with the entire world. But, I will say one aspect and thing I learned- Sometimes you don't realize certain attributes are really important to you in a life partner until they are there or until they aren't there.
5. I am not afraid of or struggling with being single. I was truly content in my singleness before my relationship with Luke began. I wasn't looking for a relationship. I was content. And, I am content in singleness once again. The pain is not in being single, it is in the grief of letting go. I truly know that if I am supposed to get married that I will meet and build that relationship in the right way and timing. I am not worried, afraid, or concerned that I will never marry. If I am supposed to marry the relationship will grow and unfold when the time is right. I am content.
Now that I have shared all of that, I will go back to the necklace. I bought the necklace for myself. It is mine to wear everyday. It is unattached from sentimental thoughts of anyone else. It is a reminder of the lessons I am learning. It is a reminder most of all of the love of God, His grace, and His guidance. And, lastly, a dear friend encouraged me with a verse recently that this necklace reminds me of every time I put it on. Proverbs 4:23, "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life."
This is hard, but God is faithful.
I am letting go. I'm looking forward to the future and open to another relationship someday if it is in God's will. I am trusting, living, enjoying the summer, and letting go one day at a time. As I grieve and let go it isn't easy, but it is good and it is what needed to happen.
So, for those of you who see me in my daily life (and also those of you who don't) please extend a little extra grace as I walk through this grieving process.