This is a post that is devoted to updates on my health issues. I realize that not everyone wants to read about my health updates so I have recently decided to title the posts that are devoted to that topic the CFS/FM Diaries. It is a series of posts on living with chronic illness and updates on how I'm doing currently.
Today's post is- Grief Waves and Spring Days...
There have been and are times that living with chronic health issues is just plain hard. There are times that a giant wave of grief and frustration crash over me with massive forcefulness. There are times that I cry. There are times that I sob. There are days that are emotionally very hard.
Tuesday of this week I had one of those days.
Over a year ago, when I had been on the journey of living with chronic illness for awhile I quickly realized that there is grief, loss, and frustration that comes with it. In a sense, there is an aspect of part of you and your old life "dying" when chronic illness comes into the picture. And, much like if a pet or even a relative dies there is a grief that comes in waves. The grief and frustration can be triggered by the littlest things, memories, or realizations that life isn't going to be what you thought it would be. Thankfully, as time goes by, there are fewer grief waves and the time that lapses in between them grows further and further apart. So, I haven't had a grief wave hit in quite awhile until Tuesday.
On Tuesday I received some information from the bank that was frustrating. Long story short, I realized that I was somehow going to need to earn even more money before I can achieve my dream of launching my very own hand crafted business on Etsy. That information set off an emotional trigger. Because, honestly, I've been struggling with not stressing about what I'm going to do after I complete the GED exams, cross that stage at graduation, and then have a lot of free time. I've always liked to have things planned out and at this point I'm just not sure health wise what I'll be able to do. I'm doing so much better, but I don't know if I'm better to the point that I could work a typical job.
So, Tuesday I cried the most I've cried in a very long time. The wave of grief and realizing again that this isn't where I thought I'd be at this age before all of my health issues. I rode out the grief wave, rested, and eventually came to a point that I was able to share with my amazing Momma. She knew exactly what was going on and is so incredibly supportive. She spoke truth and love. She told me to enjoy this season that I'm in right now and come the summer we will work together to reflect, brainstorm, and look at my options for what to do with my time. I'm so grateful for her. I'm also incredibly thankful for my Daddy and how supportive, loving, and caring he is. (I love you both!)
I'm also grateful for my dear friend Sara Beth and the time we shared on the phone that night. She is such an encouragement to me! I'm thankful that we can take time together over the phone to share and pray together.
When waves of grief and frustration hit I have to ride out the time. Sometimes it takes more than a day. On Wednesday I still had a bit of a hard time. On Thursday I finally began to feel like I could move forward. I took time to have my own little spring picnic. (I'll share pictures of that in a post sometime soon!) I was creative with my camera, I worked on a poem, I began a cross-stitch project, and I enjoyed a wonderful phone conversation that night in which I shared a bit, laughed, and enjoyed really good conversation.
I will also say, that articulating the emotional struggles that come with chronic health issues with others is difficult. Even those that I'm really close to. But, I'm so thankful for communicating with my family, Sara Beth, and over the phone on Thursday night.
Even though I had an enormous grief/frustration wave crash over me this week I'm extremely thankful.
God has blessed me with so much and I am taking my Momma's advice.
I will enjoy this time.
I will continue to work on my GED work.
I will enjoy the relationships that I'm so incredibly blessed with.
I will enjoy the evening of prom and all the specialness of it.
I will enjoy graduation.
I will enjoy making memories with my family.
I will enjoy these spring days.
I will give thanks.
I may have grief waves, but I also have a blessed life, amazing people that love me, and these glorious spring days.
On this health journey I will keep on walking, take time to stop and smell the roses, and give thanks for the beauty amidst the brokenness.
The Daydream Darling