Thursday, August 11, 2011

An unexpected wave of grief...


Why does this little minute detail feeling like such a humiliation?
All he asked for was ID and even though I’m the age to legally vote I don’t have a photo ID yet.
I went about browsing with an odd feeling of humiliation and frustration. 
I went about in the book store browsing through the aisles.
A stack of books to buy in one arm and three books that I would be selling if only my wallet held that plastic piece that promised I am me and the age I claim to be.
In the midst of one of my favorite places humiliation flowed over me.
I was crashing and thrashing against a wave.
I’m mourning again.
I’m mourning my “old self”, the “I could haves”, and thinking the “if only” I was healthy.
It’s like a heavy rogue wave crashing on top of me.
I haven’t had a trigger of the tears, the pain, and the grief in awhile.
It all came flooding in a bookstore…
If I hadn’t gotten sick I would already have an ID.
If I hadn’t gotten sick I would be driving myself to this store.
If I hadn’t gotten sick I might even have a college ID.
If I hadn’t gotten sick I wouldn’t be mourning me.
If I hadn't gotten sick...
Thoughts and feelings rushing over me.

But, I am sick.
I can’t play the “what if” game.
I can’t play the “what would life be like if” game either.
Actually, I can, but it will only make me feel worse.
It's best to mourn and make the most of what I can do.

Grief comes over you when you least expect it.
I didn’t expect it tonight.

I was getting out of the house to get over my “cabin fever”.
Sometimes I just crave getting back out and about.
I crave and hunger to bless others in some small way.

I want this blog to be a place where I share the good stuff, but also the hard stuff.
So, tonight, I pour out a bit of my grief.
My heart aches so badly, my eyes leak the salty tears once again, and it isn’t easy to mourn.

*deep breath*

This song is sung word for word by my aching heart tonight.


Tonight I choose to give thanks in the midst of heartache...
56. For a Momma that kindly drives me places.
57. For songs that express my heart.
58. For Sara Beth's precious text.
59. For finding a "just because" gift for a friend that loves Nancy Drew.
60. For new books to read with littlest brother.
61. For a young brother looking for change to help feed hungry little ones living on the continent that holds a piece of my heart.

My heart still aches, yet in the midst of giving thanks it eases a bit.
I will still mourn.
I will still cry.
He holds me and loves me in the midst of my pain.
Giving thanks, breathing, letting tears flow freely, and writing this heart aching, it all helps the wave recede.

Blessings,
A young woman journeying in the midst grief,
Sarah

4 comments:

  1. Hello Sarah, I'm a new reader. I'm sorry that you are feeling sad and I'm glad that you found ways to lighten up the grief. I just want let you know that I'm reading and that you are an ispiration. The "if game" is a losing one that I do often, too. The next time I'll try to give thanks. I don't know if what I wrote makes sense: English isn't my languange and it wasn't my favourite subject at school, as is clearly evident;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello!

    Thank you very much for your kind comment!
    Welcome to my blog.

    Thankfulness is amazing medicine in the midst of grief and hard times.
    The "if game" is definitely a losing battle.

    Your comment was actually very easy to understand!
    Thank you for taking the time and energy to write it.

    Blessings,
    Sarah

    P.S. Today is a new day and I've been blessed with the waves of grief no longer crashing over me today. =)

    ReplyDelete
  3. In a moment like this, I won't offer you any piece of advice. I'll just give you a *hug*... I hope its warmth and comfort would ease the pain that you have in your heart.

    Irene

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hello Irene!

    Thank you so very much!
    I'm thankfully doing much better and that wave of grief has mostly past.
    Your comment put a big smile on my face. =D
    *hug*
    Thank you for taking the time to bless me with your words.

    Blessings,
    Sarah

    ReplyDelete

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